Healing: What have I done to be happy?

The past two months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, trauma, pain, anger, sadness, stress and trying to keep it together. All of these emotions happening while I also have to be a mother and do our daily routine.

I have really been focusing on healing me. I only have power to control me.

When I went in to talk to my Bishop (spiritual leader at my church), the first time, he really wanted to focus on healing me.

He asked: What makes you happy?

In that office I came up with two things. 1.) Spending time with my girls 2.) Going to the Temple

When I got home I decided to start a healing journal.

This journal includes questions, scriptures, feelings, list of resources, goals, and quotes among other things.

I have one page (so far) devoted to a list of what makes me happy.

I add to it when I think or do something that makes me happy.

Exercising, driving around with the windows down, reorganizing, reading, photography, music, and exploring new places have all been added.

I know I have a long ways to go as far as healing, but I have surrounded myself with ways to help.

1. I contacted the Togetherness Project and joined the Hope and Healing forum. I have the support of other wives that have been through this and/or are going through this. I can ask questions, express frustrations or accomplishments, and find new information without being judged or letting the whole world know I'm going through this.

2. I have found many blogs that are written by amazing, inspired women.

3. I reach out to a friend daily. Her and her husband are always there to listen to me vent, give sound advice, and encourage me to make the best decisions for my happiness.

4. I go to the temple every other week. I made it a goal at the beginning and it has brought so much peace. I know that I will get to spend at least two hours learning more about the Gospel and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, all while letting go of the stresses for a small moment.

5. Started to put my house in order. I can be an extremely organized person, but my house and mind have not been that for a few years now. I have felt prompted to get my house in order. This means reorganizing closets, getting rid of things we don't need, making more meaningful routines, and clearing out the clutter in all areas (finances, paperwork, files, storage, etc.).

6. Education. I have been reading books, articles, and blogs from well known sex-addiction therapists. This has empowered me in my healing and knowledge of this addiction. It has helped me understand what I am going through, as well as my husband. My understanding of what do next has grown and has enabled me to go forward without regrets to make the best decisions possible.


What else do I plan to do?
-Seek out professional help
-Yoga
-Create boundaries
-Support group
-Help others
-Self-care

My Story: Married

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. To show that there were times of happiness.

Read Before Married Part 1 here and Part 2 here,

I met my husband in February.

Five weeks later we were engaged.

Yes, we were those Mormons.

Six months later we were married.

My parents still think it was too fast. I still do not regret it.

Back then I would have told you everything was perfect. Everything was pointed to married bliss.

How ignorant I was to married life. To what my future held.

Our wedding went just as I planned. We had a great time and enjoyed time with family and friends.

We planned a low key honeymoon with yummy places to eat, beautiful hotel rooms with great views, and a couple fun places to visit.

But, one sentence of that honeymoon now haunts me. It was dismissed at the time, but I still never forgot it.

Those words from my husband were just the beginning of how pornography addiction tainted his view of real intimacy. His ability to have a healthy sexual relationship, and healthy marriage, was impaired by his addiction to lust and fantasy.

This red flag among others are things I didn't think twice about then. Now, with my new vision and knowledge I can see.

I do not need to go into more detail about how the addiction affected our intimate life right now, except to say it was/is dysfunctional. It is unhealthy.

Pornography addiction affects marriages, relationships, and families in many other ways.

The first several years of our marriage were great, despite the secret problem. I did not realize anything was going on and my husband kept his big secret well hidden. There are still many happy memories.

I graduated from college.

We moved three times across state lines in the first two years.

My husband went to school. We both worked.

We traveled out of the country and to Disneyland. We went on road trips and camping adventures.

We laughed. We spent time with family. He sent me flowers randomly at work. I brought him dinner on his break when he worked swing shift.

We were happy.

Everything seemed "normal".

After our one year anniversary we started trying to grow our family. I have a medical condition that causes infertility issues. Our second anniversary passed without any signs of pregnancy even being a possibility. We started consulting with fertility doctors. Spent a lot of money. And got pregnant with twins.

Seven months later, I delivered two beautiful little girls. They spent two months in the hospital.

I thought that was the hardest trial I would have to go through. I thought that now that I was a wife and mother that life would be perfect. By this point, I was not under the "spell" that life was easy or that I would not have trials. But I really, truly believed that the two and a half years spent trying to get our two little spirits to this world safely and healthy would be the most difficult.


I was so wrong.

Healing: Why do I need to heal?

Discovering a spouse's pornography addiction turns your world upside down.

The betrayal, lies, and secrecy all create trauma.

Betrayal Trauma.

This manifests in similar ways to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Two years ago, our first time fighting this fight, I knew I needed help, needed support, needed explanations. I received some, but went into that stage of grief known as denial.

I continued in that stage for TWO years, trying to push it all down, ignoring (or thinking I was) the big elephant in the marriage, and thinking my life would never be what I had anticipated, wanted, needed, and dreamed.

About two months ago I was done with denial. I could not handle not dealing with it. The addiction was destroying me, and I would not let it win.

Now, there are many ways that betrayal trauma can manifest.

I relive the moment I caught my husband and the few days after.

I have disturbing dreams/nightmares sometimes.

I can see an image or some other "trigger" and it puts me back into the first few days.

My emotions range drastically day to day, sometimes even hour to hour.

I am more tired.

I am anxious a lot.

My heart races sometimes when I am just in the same room as my husband or even thinking about the whole ordeal (and not in the loving-heart-racing way).

I have fear for what my future holds and what will happen.

I am grieving the loss of what I thought my marriage would be.


All of this puts a lot of stress on your body. If it continues long term, it can have lasting effects.

I need to heal so I can make the best decisions for me.

I need to heal so I can forgive more fully and be forgiven.

I need to heal so I can be the best mother for my daughters.

I need to heal so I can accept this trial in my life and move forward.

I need to heal because I have the power to control what I do.



I found that the best explanation of Betrayal Traume is at AddoRecovery, which also has a great six week free online program. I'm on week two, but have heard great things about it and am loving it so far. 

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 2)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect

Read Part 1 here.

BYU was everything I imagined. I loved the dorms. I loved my roommate and the other girls in my hall (my best friends to this day). I loved the mountains, walking around campus, being on my own, and feeling like an "adult" for the first time.

I spent the first year learning more about the Gospel. Growing my testimony. Making mistakes. Repenting. Reading the Book of Mormon. Studying. Eating tomato soup made in the microwave. Having late night dance parties. 

Some of the best memories from college are from that freshmen year.

The next two years were much of the same.

I had boyfriends. Even serious, in-"love" ones. But, those all ended at some time or another.

I kept the same roommates. A couple of them got married. And I made some other really great friends. 

In the last place I lived before getting married I remember, very vividly, attending a Sunday School class on Sunday. The teacher asked us to write down all the characteristics we desired in a future husband/wife.

I know, I know. How Young Women's of a lesson.

I kept that piece of paper as a reminder. Top of the list: Worthy Priesthood holder. Others included: returned missionary, loving, loves his family, love the Gospel, strong testimony, good with kids, fulfills callings, etc. 

That is what I was looking for. That is what I expected. That is what I deserved. 

Forever. 

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 1)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. 

I led a seemingly "normal" childhood.

I did well in school. I participated in various sports. I had my first "boyfriend" in fourth grade. I had my first "kiss" in sixth grade (the boy was like a foot shorter than me...). I got a job at a grocery store when I was 14. I spent the summers carefree with friends. I got a car when I was 16. I was a "normal" teenager.

My friends and I hung out with older boys my Sophomore and Junior year of high school. We went to parties. We did things we should not have, and got in trouble for it sometimes.

The summer before my Senior of high school was a life changer. I had spent my summer nights out much too late with friends and with boys that expected too much. Towards the end of summer, one of the boys in our "group" left where we were in his car, angry and drunk.

A half hour later he had managed to lose control near his home and have a wooden fence pole go through his windshield, nearly missing his face and killing him.

Several hours later he met up with a previous girlfriend, whom he had lived with, and ended up in jail for domestic violence.

That event made me wonder where my life was going.

It made me ponder what I wanted for my future.

My 17 year old mind KNEW I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to serve others. I wanted to be a good influence.

I changed that day.

I did not know where I was headed or how I would change. I just knew that there was something more.

About two months later I met a boy. A few months later I met his family. They were kind, generous, loving, faithful, and joyful. They were everything I wanted for my future family.

They were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I spent many days and evenings at their house that year learning about the Gospel through Family Home Evening, dinners with the missionaries, church activities, family scripture study, and family prayer. They were member missionaries.

All I knew was that I wanted to spend as much time at their home as possible. I wanted to know more.

After deciding to go to an in state university, I quickly changed my mind after applying and getting into Brigham Young University in Utah with the encouragement of this family. I was thrilled at the idea of going out of state, on my own, and becoming who I wanted to be.

A fresh start.

That summer I received my first Book of Mormon. Secretly slid onto the driver's seat of my car, wrapped in paper, with a sweet note inside from a 12 year old girl.

I started going to church. I realized that this family I had spent so much time with weren't the only ones. Everyone I met had a smile, kind words, served each other, and loved the Gospel.

One evening I was invited to attend a missionary fireside in the Mission President's home. The speaker shared about conversion. I remember saying a silent prayer that if what he was saying was true that I would feel it. I would know.

I felt it. I felt the warmth of the Spirit revealing to me that it was true.

I knew in that moment that I would be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

At the beginning of July I received a text asking if I would want to meet with the missionaries for the discussions.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

Lesson two I was invited to be baptized.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

On August 20th I was baptized and confirmed. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Two days later I left to start my freshmen year at Brigham Young University.

My fresh start. The beginning of my life in the Gospel.

Who I am

I am the woman that is a daughter, sister, wife, and mother.

I am the woman you walk by at the grocery store in her workout clothes, unshowered hair, no makeup, and using her "stern" voice to keep her daughters next to the cart.

I am the woman who teaches your children in Primary at Church.

I am the woman that is your neighbor you see up at 6 am taking her dog for a walk.

I am the woman you see in the drive-thru at McDonalds because she needed her caffeine fix.

I am the woman at the park going down the slides with her girls.

I am the woman that loves chocolate, baseball, crime shows, reading, baking, road trips, new clothes, and running.



I am the woman married to a pornography addict.



I am the woman that carries a burden she does not deserve, and tends to hide it from others.

I am the woman trying to be the spiritual leader in her home.

I am the woman trying to deal with the unexpected.

I am the woman trying to see where all her hope and dreams disappeared.

I am the woman wondering: why me?

I am the woman that can't stand to look at her husband sometimes.

I am the woman with a marriage in limbo.



I am the woman that will survive all of this.

Yes. yes. and yes.

A week ago I found an amazing blog, My name is Jacy. 

She has turned her trial, her difficulties, her unexpected into a way to serve others in the midst of similar trials. 

She started a non-profit organization, The Togetherness Project, that provides support and encouragement to women. 

They are having a conference coming up (Oh how I wish I could go), and they released their promo. It is inspirational, beautiful, and rings true to me.