Emotional Rollercoaster

When I told my Aunt that I was separated, at the beginning of October, she advised me that the emotions would be a rollercoaster. She was speaking from experience.

And a rollercoaster is the perfect description.

I can have a build up of sadness, anger, or joy as slowly as a rollercoaster going up that first big hill.

I can go from feeling happy to sad as quickly as the rollercoaster goes down that hill.

My feelings can get all twisted and turned like those loops in a rollercoaster (and also threatening to make me throw up).

This rollercoaster is never ending right now.

There is no whoosh of wind as the rollercoaster comes to a screeching halt.



Over the summer and fall I took those emotions and was able to start processing them, write about them, and talk about them. Part of the separation was that I was continually being hurt, so the trauma kept coming, and I needed to be apart from him to focus on ME. Recently though, all I have been able to do is complain about the emotions.

Last week my therapist recommended I really focus on journaling those emotions.

Instead of hiding from the feelings or trying to push them away I know I need to feel them and let them be there. Having the emotions are good. They are helping me heal and process.



Lately I have felt a lot of anger and resentment. Others might tell me that forgiveness is for me and will allow that anger and resentment to go away. They might tell me that having those feelings is not helping in any way.

I think otherwise. For right now.

I told my therapist I have been feeling this way and she said, "Well, what do you want to do with that?" I said, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

And what she said after was so relieving for me, "Okay."

We then talked about what has been good about having those feelings. I know, weird, right?

Anger & resentment = a "positive thing"?

Divorce is not fun. (Have I said that enough, yet?) In order to not falter or have doubts, I have to be strong. I have to focus on protecting my daughters and myself. I have to focus on the best possible future for our family.

Anger and resentment is enabling me to not let those doubts of "what if" creep in.

What if he is in recovery now? What if he can actually love? What if this is too hard? What if it would have been easier to just stay? What if this is too messy?

Those what ifs cannot get to me right now because I know this is right. And that anger towards this situation, and him, is helping me focus on that fact. It is also is helping me keep that realization that I am dealing with an addict. A narcissist. He does not care about anyone except himself. He will manipulate whomever he needs to in order to get what he wants, whatever will make him feel good about himself and what he thinks looks good to others.

The anger and resentment allows me to protect myself from manipulation, blame, and all the other addict behaviors.

I see right through him and he knows it.

I know that the anger and resentment will end. I know I will let go of it. In time. I know that it will not be something I carry with me forever. But, for now, it is sustaining me.

What Addiction Looked Like in My Home

I have realized two things (that I'm going to talk about today) over the past several months.

1. While many of the women I have met have different stories related to their spouses being addicted to pornography, the behaviors in the home tend to be similar.

2. Those that do not have experience with pornography addiction tend to want to just make the person stop looking at pornography and do not realize how many other things have been effected. And sometimes people outside of the marriage do not get to see all of the characteristics, so they ignore the ones presented to them.

One of my most favorite articles I have read is this one.

It speaks to me.

The way he describes what a wife first notices in her home is exactly what I experienced. Those are the things others may notice too, but they do not tend to then assume pornography addiction. These characteristics individually do not indicate very much, but having several of them on a consistent basis is when it gets disturbing. And there are certainly other reasons why a person may be that way, but these characteristics are very common in the experiences I have heard from other wives.

Like the article states: the behaviors are predictable.

How did those characteristics look in my home?

1. More self-centered: Everything is about him. He loved to talk about himself--where he went to school, how well his teachers/bosses like him, the projects he had accomplished, what new thing he learned, sports teams he liked, etc. But, the second you talked about something else those eyes just glazed over.
2. Irritable: He would become irritable about little things. The house was too messy, the girls had too many toys, the girls were being too loud, the dog wanted him to pet him, the internet wasn't working, I was on the computer and he desperately needed it, etc.
3. Moody
4. Impatient
5. Less focused time with the family: This began with more and more time on the computer (red flag, anyone?!). It progressed into me taking our girls on outings like a balloon festival on a Friday night while he stayed home, spending the day or weekend with family while he stayed home, him not attending soccer games, and going to church activities while he spent the day doing something else.
6. Seeks out more distractions: My husband sought out more and more time watching sports, listening to music on his Ipod, and spending hours looking at youtube videos on a number of topics.
7. Mentally and even verbally devalues marriage
8. Becomes critical: My husband's main subject of criticism was me--what I was wearing, something I said, an opinion I had, or something I had done. He also criticized others on various topics--education, money, parenting, their opinions, or things they had done. We all do our own share of judging and I am not saying I am perfect and never criticize or judge, but he sees himself as superior and speaks of others with that attitude.
9. Spiritually empty: My husband has had zero testimony for 4+ years (he was the one that brought this topic up 2 1/2 years ago). He still blessed our girls, went to the temple, attended church half of the time, and acted like he believed. He stopped praying, reading scriptures, serving in his callings, and having any interest in discussing doctrine.  There was/is no Priesthood leadership in our home.
10. More stressed: He would get incredibly stressed with schoolwork, and now with projects at work. He gets so stressed that he cannot sleep and gets sick.
11. Dissatisfied with work
12. Bored with things that used to interest him: When I met my husband he had all sorts of hobbies and interesting things he liked to do. He pretty much stopped participating in them, but would watch videos on the computer.
13. Restless: Even though my husband can spend hours on a computer, he would still get bored and restless while spending time with family or basically anywhere he could not be on his computer.
14. Resentful: If something was a problem or something had happened in this past there was a resentment attached to it. This went right along with the blaming.
15. Blaming: I am blamed for everything. His pornography problem=my fault. His lack of parental involvement=my fault. His stress=my fault. It was never ending. I felt like I was walking on egg shells often because if I tried to discuss anything I was blamed.
16. Manipulative: His #1 tactic in any situation. He is a pro at manipulation and I am still trying to figure it out. He has a way with words and twisting every little thing.
17. Emotionally disconnected: I am not sure I have ever felt a true emotional connection to him. But, the disconnection was more apparent to me in the relationships he had with friends and his family. The connection gradually grew more distant with many dissolving completely.
18. Isolated himself and family from friends and family: As I have reflected this began even when we were engaged. I was pulled away from friends with excuses of avoiding interaction and then to criticism of them. The isolation from family was intensified when we moved closer to my family. It began with complaints of the driving and the amount of time spent with them. And gradually became him not going at all and I would take the girls with me.

I do not say these things to bash him or share all his dirty little secrets. I do this because when I came looking for help, as a spouse, I needed to know these characteristics. I have reflected over and over, discovering something I had forgotten before, remembering a moment I had hidden from my memory, and finding that there were signs. I had always felt like things were off. Something was wrong, but I could not quite put my finger on it until I discovered the addiction. Then it all fell into place. I wanted a list like this one of what exactly the addict was doing besides the pornography.

Reflection is helping me heal. I am addressing the characteristics that have damaged me. I am taking those moments and growing from them.

Life Forever Changed

In the past two months my life has forever been changed.

On October 6, 2014 I asked for a separation. I asked my husband to leave our home.

He refused. I spent the night in a hotel with my mom and my daughters.

I was angry. Frustrated. Heart broken. But, trying to keep it together for my two, innocent little girls.

A quick rundown of what has happened since then:

My in-laws flew in on the red eye as soon as they found out. My husband told family and friends that he was blindsided and that we had grown apart. That left most people very confused.

I spent the week explaining to people that had no idea this was coming. For them, the situation was fresh. For me, it felt like I was telling a story that had been going for years and the wounds were only getting deeper. It was exhausting.

My husband and I laid out a general parenting plan so that he could see our girls on a regular basis.

He moved into an extended stay hotel. In the smoking section.

We discussed the girls staying the night with him. And decided it was best to let them get used to the change and the routine, then readdress them staying the night with him.

A couple weeks went by until the night of what I now call "the incident".

My husband crossed a line. A line that I, personally, could not go back after it had been crossed.

The Monday after I got a protection order and filed for divorce.

And it has not been easy.

It has been ugly. Emotionally draining. Frustrating beyond belief.

Divorce is not fun.

I have a long road ahead before the divorce is finalized. I anticipate lots of push back.

But, the one thing that has not waivered throughout the past month is that divorce is right.

In my situation, divorce is the right thing to do. I can now work on healing. Focus on raising my daughters to have healthy relationships, be strong, navigate this broken world, and love themselves. I can continue to show them that I love them and am always striving to improve in my mothering abilities. They are my number one priority.

I want them to know that they can do hard things.

One day at a time.