When I told my Aunt that I was separated, at the beginning of October, she advised me that the emotions would be a rollercoaster. She was speaking from experience.
And a rollercoaster is the perfect description.
I can have a build up of sadness, anger, or joy as slowly as a rollercoaster going up that first big hill.
I can go from feeling happy to sad as quickly as the rollercoaster goes down that hill.
My feelings can get all twisted and turned like those loops in a rollercoaster (and also threatening to make me throw up).
This rollercoaster is never ending right now.
There is no whoosh of wind as the rollercoaster comes to a screeching halt.
Over the summer and fall I took those emotions and was able to start processing them, write about them, and talk about them. Part of the separation was that I was continually being hurt, so the trauma kept coming, and I needed to be apart from him to focus on ME. Recently though, all I have been able to do is complain about the emotions.
Last week my therapist recommended I really focus on journaling those emotions.
Instead of hiding from the feelings or trying to push them away I know I need to feel them and let them be there. Having the emotions are good. They are helping me heal and process.
Lately I have felt a lot of anger and resentment. Others might tell me that forgiveness is for me and will allow that anger and resentment to go away. They might tell me that having those feelings is not helping in any way.
I think otherwise. For right now.
I told my therapist I have been feeling this way and she said, "Well, what do you want to do with that?" I said, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."
And what she said after was so relieving for me, "Okay."
We then talked about what has been good about having those feelings. I know, weird, right?
Anger & resentment = a "positive thing"?
Divorce is not fun. (Have I said that enough, yet?) In order to not falter or have doubts, I have to be strong. I have to focus on protecting my daughters and myself. I have to focus on the best possible future for our family.
Anger and resentment is enabling me to not let those doubts of "what if" creep in.
What if he is in recovery now? What if he can actually love? What if this is too hard? What if it would have been easier to just stay? What if this is too messy?
Those what ifs cannot get to me right now because I know this is right. And that anger towards this situation, and him, is helping me focus on that fact. It is also is helping me keep that realization that I am dealing with an addict. A narcissist. He does not care about anyone except himself. He will manipulate whomever he needs to in order to get what he wants, whatever will make him feel good about himself and what he thinks looks good to others.
The anger and resentment allows me to protect myself from manipulation, blame, and all the other addict behaviors.
I see right through him and he knows it.
I know that the anger and resentment will end. I know I will let go of it. In time. I know that it will not be something I carry with me forever. But, for now, it is sustaining me.
