2015

Is January almost over already?

At the end of December I started pondering what I envisioned for 2015. This is going to be a year of a lot of change.

But, I want to end 2015 being stronger and more brave.

I took to Pinterest and found some empowering quotes and scriptures. And I'm slowly working to plaster those on my wall.

I could tell you I have a million resolutions---to read my scriptures every day, have perfect Family Home Evening, bake my own bread, save x amount of $$, lose weight, teach my girls to read---but in reality I just want to be strong, brave, and a source of love and comfort to my girls.

This will be the year my girls and I find our new path, whatever that may be.

D-Day 2

Read the rest of My Story here.

About three months ago I knew I was ready for change. I had another life changing experience, where I found myself feeling similar to how I did the summer before my Senior year in high school when I considered my future (read that story here). Although, this time it was built up over time and not a one moment event.

I had spent the past year slowly letting myself be brought down by the trauma I so desperately needed to recover and heal from. And I knew that was not what Heavenly Father would want for me and I knew I could do better.

I wanted to be in a home that cherished family time, read scriptures together, prayed as a family, served others, spent less time watching TV (& computers), and wanted to be better individually and as a whole.

I wanted a marriage where we read scriptures together, prayed together, and enjoyed teaching our children about the Gospel. I wanted to have conversations about the Gospel, our day, parenting, finances, our future, our struggles, and our dreams.

I deserved that.

Every woman and man deserves that.

I slowly started changing myself. Because, really, how can you expect others to do something when you are not already doing them?

I repented. I picked up my scriptures more often. I journaled. I knelt in prayer. I listened to more Primary songs so I could teach my girls new ones. I listened to General Conference again. I turned off the TV. I spent more quality time with my girls--painting, coloring, building with legos, going on walks, and being silly.

While doing this I also confronted my husband. I asked him point blank whether his addiction was still an issue. I got the answer I expected.

Yes.

We went through a similar scenario as D-Day 1 where I asked many questions, but did not get very in-depth answers. But, I told him things had to change.

He said he wanted to change, but did not know how.

And I knew from the last time that I could not fix him. I could not tell him what to do or how to change. He had to choose for himself to seek out those answers. And when he did and then acted on those answers, then I would know he was ready for recovery.

This time was not as traumatic in terms of how I found out. I already knew so it was not as shocking. But, it still left me feeling very hopeless of what the future of our marriage would be.

During that d-day conversation my husband said he would start reading his book he got from that one time at the therapist. The one about stress, not about addiction.

Two weeks later he was not reading that book consistently and was not interested in talking to our bishop or anyone about it.

I went to the bishop on my own and received very wise counsel. I had been reading about how to heal myself. That this addiction has nothing to do with me. That I only had control over myself. And that my husband had to choose for himself to overcome and change.

My bishop was compassionate, sympathetic, and wanted to help me. He did not focus on how to fix my husband or what he would need to do, but rather, wanted to know what made me happy.

Many things have happened since that first meeting with my bishop. We got a new bishop that my husband and I both started meeting with individually and then together. My husband started going to recovery support meetings, says he is abstinent, and committed to reading his book daily. Sounds great, right?

The behaviors, the side effects, have not changed. The willingness to seek out what else can be done is not there. The isolation and unkindness is still there. He is still emotionally distant and true remorse has yet to be shown.

The commitment he made to read his book daily, is more like twice a week. The computer use is still many hours a day. He still stays up late. He never talks about his pornography addiction or recovery and if I bring it up the conversation is usually emotionless and closed off.

I am not seeing recovery in him.

But, I am starting my journey of recovery and healing.

I have made goals for myself. I try to go to the temple twice a month. I started reading books for enjoyment. I talk with a supportive friend and her husband daily about the struggles, the mundane, and the good. I strive to make healthier choices physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I sought out a therapist, which has made a world of difference. I can talk about my feelings, what is going on, and what needs to be done without judgment. I have gained insight that has been valuable to my healing.

I developed boundaries. I needed boundaries.

I gave my husband a copy of my boundaries along with a very vulnerable letter. This letter explained how the addiction has affected me and the feelings that have come from the trauma. 

All of this leads to the present.

My husband has chosen over and over again to not be in recovery. He has been given many opportunities to choose to save his marriage and family. To save himself from this addiction. He has been given tools to do so, but is still choosing to not make it a priority.

I know this can change tomorrow, next week, next month, or it could be years from now or, even, possibly never. 

But, for me to be emotionally safe and continue my healing I have to hold to my boundaries and do what is best for my happiness and the happiness of my daughters. If this means separation because he is choosing not to understand how the addiction has affected me or be actively in recovery then that is what will need to happen so I can be emotionally safe. 

I am not going to keep the lies going. I am not going to enable him. I am not going to go back to denial. I am done with all of that.

I am going to be happy. 

My Story: After D-Day 1

Quick note: You can read the rest of My Story here. And make sure to at least read, D-Day 1.

The first couple weeks after D-Day 1 went seemingly well. Or so I thought.

We were being intimate. We were talking. And we were doing our normal day to day routine.

I pretty much stopped reading about pornography addiction and ignored the things I had read about what we should both be doing to get us out of this mess.

Skip ahead two months and things had gone back to what they were before.

This time I knew why. 

I was depressed. I felt isolated and like this problem was weighing me down. It was holding me back. 

I had no one to talk to about it. No one.

I still didn't do anything about it for several more weeks.

Then an answer to a prayer I'm not even sure I had specifically asked for came to me in the shape of a friend. 

This friend and I went on walks almost daily in a cemetery (joke all you want--it was peaceful, beautiful, and still my favorite place to go on a walk). We talked about all sorts of things. Our children, school, food, memories, babies, clothes, the future, our homes, people, our families, our trials, our happiness. But, I had never talked about the biggest struggle in my life. 

My husband is a pornography addict.

My friend brought up the topic actually. And I knew in that moment that I needed to tell her. I so desperately wanted to tell her.

I told her. I cried. And she walked with me for a long time as I talked about it all. 

We continued to talk about it. She has been there with me through many times of happiness and sadness. But, this time specifically I knew that Heavenly Father was utilizing her as a means to help me. To comfort me. To bless me. To show me I didn't have to do this alone.

I will never forget that first conversation and the weight I felt lift from me as I let everything out. She continues to be there for me through all of the chaos, sadness, frustration, and heartache. And for that I will be forever grateful.

At the end of August, with that same friend's encouragement, I decided to go to the bishop. At this point, my husband had not spoken a word of confessing to the bishop. Up until I made the decision, I thought I couldn't go until he had told the bishop about the addiction. I was so wrong.

I was dealing with this too. I needed help and support. I wasn't going to tattle on my husband. I was going so I could start healing.

An hour before going to the bishop, I told my husband what I was doing. He said he wanted to go with me.

The next month is sort of a blur. But the short story: My husband spoke with the bishop alone saying he had told him everything, the problem was minimized, and my husband was told he could go to the church recovery meetings if he wanted to. I started seeing a therapist, but only went a handful of times. I started going to recovery support group. My husband went to two recovery meetings and met with a therapist once. The therapist gave him a book about dealing with stress. 

A couple months after the initial meeting with the bishop I thought things were going well. 

My husband kept saying he was doing fine. 

Then things gradually started going back they were before. The meetings stopped. The conversations on the topic of pornography addiction stopped. My desire to keep attending support meetings was looked down upon by my husband.

He said he was fine, so why did I need to go? 

I believed him. And I stopped going. I stopped reading about it. I stopped talking to my friend about it saying everything was good. I kept myself in isolation.

I went into the stage of grief known as denial.

And stayed there for almost a year and a half while life flew by me.

My husband graduated. He got a job. We moved 1000 miles away. Our girls had two more birthdays. I filled my life with being a mom.

But, our marriage still wasn't what I dreamed it would be. And I knew why, but wasn't ready to confront that reason until this past June. 

Healing: What have I done to be happy?

The past two months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, trauma, pain, anger, sadness, stress and trying to keep it together. All of these emotions happening while I also have to be a mother and do our daily routine.

I have really been focusing on healing me. I only have power to control me.

When I went in to talk to my Bishop (spiritual leader at my church), the first time, he really wanted to focus on healing me.

He asked: What makes you happy?

In that office I came up with two things. 1.) Spending time with my girls 2.) Going to the Temple

When I got home I decided to start a healing journal.

This journal includes questions, scriptures, feelings, list of resources, goals, and quotes among other things.

I have one page (so far) devoted to a list of what makes me happy.

I add to it when I think or do something that makes me happy.

Exercising, driving around with the windows down, reorganizing, reading, photography, music, and exploring new places have all been added.

I know I have a long ways to go as far as healing, but I have surrounded myself with ways to help.

1. I contacted the Togetherness Project and joined the Hope and Healing forum. I have the support of other wives that have been through this and/or are going through this. I can ask questions, express frustrations or accomplishments, and find new information without being judged or letting the whole world know I'm going through this.

2. I have found many blogs that are written by amazing, inspired women.

3. I reach out to a friend daily. Her and her husband are always there to listen to me vent, give sound advice, and encourage me to make the best decisions for my happiness.

4. I go to the temple every other week. I made it a goal at the beginning and it has brought so much peace. I know that I will get to spend at least two hours learning more about the Gospel and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, all while letting go of the stresses for a small moment.

5. Started to put my house in order. I can be an extremely organized person, but my house and mind have not been that for a few years now. I have felt prompted to get my house in order. This means reorganizing closets, getting rid of things we don't need, making more meaningful routines, and clearing out the clutter in all areas (finances, paperwork, files, storage, etc.).

6. Education. I have been reading books, articles, and blogs from well known sex-addiction therapists. This has empowered me in my healing and knowledge of this addiction. It has helped me understand what I am going through, as well as my husband. My understanding of what do next has grown and has enabled me to go forward without regrets to make the best decisions possible.


What else do I plan to do?
-Seek out professional help
-Yoga
-Create boundaries
-Support group
-Help others
-Self-care

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 2)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect

Read Part 1 here.

BYU was everything I imagined. I loved the dorms. I loved my roommate and the other girls in my hall (my best friends to this day). I loved the mountains, walking around campus, being on my own, and feeling like an "adult" for the first time.

I spent the first year learning more about the Gospel. Growing my testimony. Making mistakes. Repenting. Reading the Book of Mormon. Studying. Eating tomato soup made in the microwave. Having late night dance parties. 

Some of the best memories from college are from that freshmen year.

The next two years were much of the same.

I had boyfriends. Even serious, in-"love" ones. But, those all ended at some time or another.

I kept the same roommates. A couple of them got married. And I made some other really great friends. 

In the last place I lived before getting married I remember, very vividly, attending a Sunday School class on Sunday. The teacher asked us to write down all the characteristics we desired in a future husband/wife.

I know, I know. How Young Women's of a lesson.

I kept that piece of paper as a reminder. Top of the list: Worthy Priesthood holder. Others included: returned missionary, loving, loves his family, love the Gospel, strong testimony, good with kids, fulfills callings, etc. 

That is what I was looking for. That is what I expected. That is what I deserved. 

Forever. 

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 1)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. 

I led a seemingly "normal" childhood.

I did well in school. I participated in various sports. I had my first "boyfriend" in fourth grade. I had my first "kiss" in sixth grade (the boy was like a foot shorter than me...). I got a job at a grocery store when I was 14. I spent the summers carefree with friends. I got a car when I was 16. I was a "normal" teenager.

My friends and I hung out with older boys my Sophomore and Junior year of high school. We went to parties. We did things we should not have, and got in trouble for it sometimes.

The summer before my Senior of high school was a life changer. I had spent my summer nights out much too late with friends and with boys that expected too much. Towards the end of summer, one of the boys in our "group" left where we were in his car, angry and drunk.

A half hour later he had managed to lose control near his home and have a wooden fence pole go through his windshield, nearly missing his face and killing him.

Several hours later he met up with a previous girlfriend, whom he had lived with, and ended up in jail for domestic violence.

That event made me wonder where my life was going.

It made me ponder what I wanted for my future.

My 17 year old mind KNEW I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to serve others. I wanted to be a good influence.

I changed that day.

I did not know where I was headed or how I would change. I just knew that there was something more.

About two months later I met a boy. A few months later I met his family. They were kind, generous, loving, faithful, and joyful. They were everything I wanted for my future family.

They were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I spent many days and evenings at their house that year learning about the Gospel through Family Home Evening, dinners with the missionaries, church activities, family scripture study, and family prayer. They were member missionaries.

All I knew was that I wanted to spend as much time at their home as possible. I wanted to know more.

After deciding to go to an in state university, I quickly changed my mind after applying and getting into Brigham Young University in Utah with the encouragement of this family. I was thrilled at the idea of going out of state, on my own, and becoming who I wanted to be.

A fresh start.

That summer I received my first Book of Mormon. Secretly slid onto the driver's seat of my car, wrapped in paper, with a sweet note inside from a 12 year old girl.

I started going to church. I realized that this family I had spent so much time with weren't the only ones. Everyone I met had a smile, kind words, served each other, and loved the Gospel.

One evening I was invited to attend a missionary fireside in the Mission President's home. The speaker shared about conversion. I remember saying a silent prayer that if what he was saying was true that I would feel it. I would know.

I felt it. I felt the warmth of the Spirit revealing to me that it was true.

I knew in that moment that I would be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

At the beginning of July I received a text asking if I would want to meet with the missionaries for the discussions.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

Lesson two I was invited to be baptized.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

On August 20th I was baptized and confirmed. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Two days later I left to start my freshmen year at Brigham Young University.

My fresh start. The beginning of my life in the Gospel.

sweet voices

As I did the dishes this morning, contemplating the sadness in my life a sweet voice started singing.

"The temple is a holy place" was set on repeat for a minute.
"Lead me, guide me, walk beside me" followed by "the temple is a holy place" once more.

A beautiful and perfect reminder that despite the trials in our little family I am teaching my daughters the Gospel. I am teaching them to love Heavenly Father, be grateful for our Savior's sacrifice, and to seek out the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I am teaching them to strive to make covenants with their Father in the temple. THIS is what makes my trials easier. THIS is what makes me days a lot brighter.