2015

Is January almost over already?

At the end of December I started pondering what I envisioned for 2015. This is going to be a year of a lot of change.

But, I want to end 2015 being stronger and more brave.

I took to Pinterest and found some empowering quotes and scriptures. And I'm slowly working to plaster those on my wall.

I could tell you I have a million resolutions---to read my scriptures every day, have perfect Family Home Evening, bake my own bread, save x amount of $$, lose weight, teach my girls to read---but in reality I just want to be strong, brave, and a source of love and comfort to my girls.

This will be the year my girls and I find our new path, whatever that may be.

My Story: Married

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. To show that there were times of happiness.

Read Before Married Part 1 here and Part 2 here,

I met my husband in February.

Five weeks later we were engaged.

Yes, we were those Mormons.

Six months later we were married.

My parents still think it was too fast. I still do not regret it.

Back then I would have told you everything was perfect. Everything was pointed to married bliss.

How ignorant I was to married life. To what my future held.

Our wedding went just as I planned. We had a great time and enjoyed time with family and friends.

We planned a low key honeymoon with yummy places to eat, beautiful hotel rooms with great views, and a couple fun places to visit.

But, one sentence of that honeymoon now haunts me. It was dismissed at the time, but I still never forgot it.

Those words from my husband were just the beginning of how pornography addiction tainted his view of real intimacy. His ability to have a healthy sexual relationship, and healthy marriage, was impaired by his addiction to lust and fantasy.

This red flag among others are things I didn't think twice about then. Now, with my new vision and knowledge I can see.

I do not need to go into more detail about how the addiction affected our intimate life right now, except to say it was/is dysfunctional. It is unhealthy.

Pornography addiction affects marriages, relationships, and families in many other ways.

The first several years of our marriage were great, despite the secret problem. I did not realize anything was going on and my husband kept his big secret well hidden. There are still many happy memories.

I graduated from college.

We moved three times across state lines in the first two years.

My husband went to school. We both worked.

We traveled out of the country and to Disneyland. We went on road trips and camping adventures.

We laughed. We spent time with family. He sent me flowers randomly at work. I brought him dinner on his break when he worked swing shift.

We were happy.

Everything seemed "normal".

After our one year anniversary we started trying to grow our family. I have a medical condition that causes infertility issues. Our second anniversary passed without any signs of pregnancy even being a possibility. We started consulting with fertility doctors. Spent a lot of money. And got pregnant with twins.

Seven months later, I delivered two beautiful little girls. They spent two months in the hospital.

I thought that was the hardest trial I would have to go through. I thought that now that I was a wife and mother that life would be perfect. By this point, I was not under the "spell" that life was easy or that I would not have trials. But I really, truly believed that the two and a half years spent trying to get our two little spirits to this world safely and healthy would be the most difficult.


I was so wrong.

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 1)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. 

I led a seemingly "normal" childhood.

I did well in school. I participated in various sports. I had my first "boyfriend" in fourth grade. I had my first "kiss" in sixth grade (the boy was like a foot shorter than me...). I got a job at a grocery store when I was 14. I spent the summers carefree with friends. I got a car when I was 16. I was a "normal" teenager.

My friends and I hung out with older boys my Sophomore and Junior year of high school. We went to parties. We did things we should not have, and got in trouble for it sometimes.

The summer before my Senior of high school was a life changer. I had spent my summer nights out much too late with friends and with boys that expected too much. Towards the end of summer, one of the boys in our "group" left where we were in his car, angry and drunk.

A half hour later he had managed to lose control near his home and have a wooden fence pole go through his windshield, nearly missing his face and killing him.

Several hours later he met up with a previous girlfriend, whom he had lived with, and ended up in jail for domestic violence.

That event made me wonder where my life was going.

It made me ponder what I wanted for my future.

My 17 year old mind KNEW I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to serve others. I wanted to be a good influence.

I changed that day.

I did not know where I was headed or how I would change. I just knew that there was something more.

About two months later I met a boy. A few months later I met his family. They were kind, generous, loving, faithful, and joyful. They were everything I wanted for my future family.

They were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I spent many days and evenings at their house that year learning about the Gospel through Family Home Evening, dinners with the missionaries, church activities, family scripture study, and family prayer. They were member missionaries.

All I knew was that I wanted to spend as much time at their home as possible. I wanted to know more.

After deciding to go to an in state university, I quickly changed my mind after applying and getting into Brigham Young University in Utah with the encouragement of this family. I was thrilled at the idea of going out of state, on my own, and becoming who I wanted to be.

A fresh start.

That summer I received my first Book of Mormon. Secretly slid onto the driver's seat of my car, wrapped in paper, with a sweet note inside from a 12 year old girl.

I started going to church. I realized that this family I had spent so much time with weren't the only ones. Everyone I met had a smile, kind words, served each other, and loved the Gospel.

One evening I was invited to attend a missionary fireside in the Mission President's home. The speaker shared about conversion. I remember saying a silent prayer that if what he was saying was true that I would feel it. I would know.

I felt it. I felt the warmth of the Spirit revealing to me that it was true.

I knew in that moment that I would be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

At the beginning of July I received a text asking if I would want to meet with the missionaries for the discussions.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

Lesson two I was invited to be baptized.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

On August 20th I was baptized and confirmed. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Two days later I left to start my freshmen year at Brigham Young University.

My fresh start. The beginning of my life in the Gospel.

sweet voices

As I did the dishes this morning, contemplating the sadness in my life a sweet voice started singing.

"The temple is a holy place" was set on repeat for a minute.
"Lead me, guide me, walk beside me" followed by "the temple is a holy place" once more.

A beautiful and perfect reminder that despite the trials in our little family I am teaching my daughters the Gospel. I am teaching them to love Heavenly Father, be grateful for our Savior's sacrifice, and to seek out the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I am teaching them to strive to make covenants with their Father in the temple. THIS is what makes my trials easier. THIS is what makes me days a lot brighter.