D-Day 2

Read the rest of My Story here.

About three months ago I knew I was ready for change. I had another life changing experience, where I found myself feeling similar to how I did the summer before my Senior year in high school when I considered my future (read that story here). Although, this time it was built up over time and not a one moment event.

I had spent the past year slowly letting myself be brought down by the trauma I so desperately needed to recover and heal from. And I knew that was not what Heavenly Father would want for me and I knew I could do better.

I wanted to be in a home that cherished family time, read scriptures together, prayed as a family, served others, spent less time watching TV (& computers), and wanted to be better individually and as a whole.

I wanted a marriage where we read scriptures together, prayed together, and enjoyed teaching our children about the Gospel. I wanted to have conversations about the Gospel, our day, parenting, finances, our future, our struggles, and our dreams.

I deserved that.

Every woman and man deserves that.

I slowly started changing myself. Because, really, how can you expect others to do something when you are not already doing them?

I repented. I picked up my scriptures more often. I journaled. I knelt in prayer. I listened to more Primary songs so I could teach my girls new ones. I listened to General Conference again. I turned off the TV. I spent more quality time with my girls--painting, coloring, building with legos, going on walks, and being silly.

While doing this I also confronted my husband. I asked him point blank whether his addiction was still an issue. I got the answer I expected.

Yes.

We went through a similar scenario as D-Day 1 where I asked many questions, but did not get very in-depth answers. But, I told him things had to change.

He said he wanted to change, but did not know how.

And I knew from the last time that I could not fix him. I could not tell him what to do or how to change. He had to choose for himself to seek out those answers. And when he did and then acted on those answers, then I would know he was ready for recovery.

This time was not as traumatic in terms of how I found out. I already knew so it was not as shocking. But, it still left me feeling very hopeless of what the future of our marriage would be.

During that d-day conversation my husband said he would start reading his book he got from that one time at the therapist. The one about stress, not about addiction.

Two weeks later he was not reading that book consistently and was not interested in talking to our bishop or anyone about it.

I went to the bishop on my own and received very wise counsel. I had been reading about how to heal myself. That this addiction has nothing to do with me. That I only had control over myself. And that my husband had to choose for himself to overcome and change.

My bishop was compassionate, sympathetic, and wanted to help me. He did not focus on how to fix my husband or what he would need to do, but rather, wanted to know what made me happy.

Many things have happened since that first meeting with my bishop. We got a new bishop that my husband and I both started meeting with individually and then together. My husband started going to recovery support meetings, says he is abstinent, and committed to reading his book daily. Sounds great, right?

The behaviors, the side effects, have not changed. The willingness to seek out what else can be done is not there. The isolation and unkindness is still there. He is still emotionally distant and true remorse has yet to be shown.

The commitment he made to read his book daily, is more like twice a week. The computer use is still many hours a day. He still stays up late. He never talks about his pornography addiction or recovery and if I bring it up the conversation is usually emotionless and closed off.

I am not seeing recovery in him.

But, I am starting my journey of recovery and healing.

I have made goals for myself. I try to go to the temple twice a month. I started reading books for enjoyment. I talk with a supportive friend and her husband daily about the struggles, the mundane, and the good. I strive to make healthier choices physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I sought out a therapist, which has made a world of difference. I can talk about my feelings, what is going on, and what needs to be done without judgment. I have gained insight that has been valuable to my healing.

I developed boundaries. I needed boundaries.

I gave my husband a copy of my boundaries along with a very vulnerable letter. This letter explained how the addiction has affected me and the feelings that have come from the trauma. 

All of this leads to the present.

My husband has chosen over and over again to not be in recovery. He has been given many opportunities to choose to save his marriage and family. To save himself from this addiction. He has been given tools to do so, but is still choosing to not make it a priority.

I know this can change tomorrow, next week, next month, or it could be years from now or, even, possibly never. 

But, for me to be emotionally safe and continue my healing I have to hold to my boundaries and do what is best for my happiness and the happiness of my daughters. If this means separation because he is choosing not to understand how the addiction has affected me or be actively in recovery then that is what will need to happen so I can be emotionally safe. 

I am not going to keep the lies going. I am not going to enable him. I am not going to go back to denial. I am done with all of that.

I am going to be happy. 

My Story: After D-Day 1

Quick note: You can read the rest of My Story here. And make sure to at least read, D-Day 1.

The first couple weeks after D-Day 1 went seemingly well. Or so I thought.

We were being intimate. We were talking. And we were doing our normal day to day routine.

I pretty much stopped reading about pornography addiction and ignored the things I had read about what we should both be doing to get us out of this mess.

Skip ahead two months and things had gone back to what they were before.

This time I knew why. 

I was depressed. I felt isolated and like this problem was weighing me down. It was holding me back. 

I had no one to talk to about it. No one.

I still didn't do anything about it for several more weeks.

Then an answer to a prayer I'm not even sure I had specifically asked for came to me in the shape of a friend. 

This friend and I went on walks almost daily in a cemetery (joke all you want--it was peaceful, beautiful, and still my favorite place to go on a walk). We talked about all sorts of things. Our children, school, food, memories, babies, clothes, the future, our homes, people, our families, our trials, our happiness. But, I had never talked about the biggest struggle in my life. 

My husband is a pornography addict.

My friend brought up the topic actually. And I knew in that moment that I needed to tell her. I so desperately wanted to tell her.

I told her. I cried. And she walked with me for a long time as I talked about it all. 

We continued to talk about it. She has been there with me through many times of happiness and sadness. But, this time specifically I knew that Heavenly Father was utilizing her as a means to help me. To comfort me. To bless me. To show me I didn't have to do this alone.

I will never forget that first conversation and the weight I felt lift from me as I let everything out. She continues to be there for me through all of the chaos, sadness, frustration, and heartache. And for that I will be forever grateful.

At the end of August, with that same friend's encouragement, I decided to go to the bishop. At this point, my husband had not spoken a word of confessing to the bishop. Up until I made the decision, I thought I couldn't go until he had told the bishop about the addiction. I was so wrong.

I was dealing with this too. I needed help and support. I wasn't going to tattle on my husband. I was going so I could start healing.

An hour before going to the bishop, I told my husband what I was doing. He said he wanted to go with me.

The next month is sort of a blur. But the short story: My husband spoke with the bishop alone saying he had told him everything, the problem was minimized, and my husband was told he could go to the church recovery meetings if he wanted to. I started seeing a therapist, but only went a handful of times. I started going to recovery support group. My husband went to two recovery meetings and met with a therapist once. The therapist gave him a book about dealing with stress. 

A couple months after the initial meeting with the bishop I thought things were going well. 

My husband kept saying he was doing fine. 

Then things gradually started going back they were before. The meetings stopped. The conversations on the topic of pornography addiction stopped. My desire to keep attending support meetings was looked down upon by my husband.

He said he was fine, so why did I need to go? 

I believed him. And I stopped going. I stopped reading about it. I stopped talking to my friend about it saying everything was good. I kept myself in isolation.

I went into the stage of grief known as denial.

And stayed there for almost a year and a half while life flew by me.

My husband graduated. He got a job. We moved 1000 miles away. Our girls had two more birthdays. I filled my life with being a mom.

But, our marriage still wasn't what I dreamed it would be. And I knew why, but wasn't ready to confront that reason until this past June. 

My Story: D-Day 1

Read more of My Story: here, here, and here.

In May of 2012, my girls were turning ONE. I planned for many weeks and was so excited to have family and friends celebrate with us. 

Their first year was tough. We dealt with the NICU for two months, a colic baby, a reflux baby, low milk supply, slow weight gain, avoiding public places, and a lot of other bumps in the road. 

Having a baby (or babies) takes a toll on your marriage. 

I put 150% into being the best mom for my daughters and to making sure they were developing without any concerns. I was stressed. I was exhausted. 

During that time I noticed how our marriage had changed. I thought some things were unusual and promptly ignored them. 

My husband spent a lot of time on the computer. He always stayed up late. He was emotionally gone. He didn't want to be around my friends. He was irritable. He was rude. He didn't seem to want anything to do with church. He stopped giving me compliments or doing nice gestures. He got bored easily.  

Three days before the big first birthday, one day before my family came to visit, I had one of the worst moments of my life. 

I went to bed as usual. My husband stayed up watching YouTube videos and reading ESPN articles. I had spent that day baking cakes for the birthday party. 

I woke up about an hour after falling asleep with the thought I don't think I turned the oven off.

I got up (without glasses on), walked to where we had a baby gate in the hallway and asked my husband "Will you check to make sure the oven is off?"

He was sitting on the couch with his computer in front of him. He awkwardly said yeah. I walked back to my room. I thought to myself that something was off. Something was weird about that situation. But, I went back to sleep.

The next morning I woke up thinking about that moment.

I knew I had caught my husband doing something I found so disgusting, revolting, and humiliating. I started looking online for more information. I wasn't sure what to do: ask him about it or not?

I started having doubts and questions: did I really see something? Did I make it up? Was I looking too much into it? What will happen if I ask him about it? What will happen if he says yes? No? Gets mad because I would even think that? How do ask? 

But, as I read more about the signs and watched videos from recovering addicts and spouses I knew. I cried the entire afternoon. 

I sent a text (trying to keep it serious, but light-hearted): Were you doing something frisky last night when I woke up?

He said: What? No? What do you mean?

I responded: I thought I saw you doing something you shouldn't. Maybe it was nothing. Sorry.

He then said: No, I wasn't doing anything.

I was confused. I was so sure.

He got home from work a couple hours later. I was doing the dishes.

He came into the kitchen and I apologized for the text saying I must have just been seeing things.

When I finally looked at him, his face looked strange and he said: No, you were right. I was doing something I wasn't supposed to. I'm sorry.

I had caught him.

Even though I had caught him and knew, him admitting it still shocked me. I was angry. And when I'm angry I tend to want to be alone and not talk about it.

From my reading that day I knew a little of what was going on. But, not enough to be strong. 

After our girls went to bed we stayed up most of the night talking. Our conversation basically went like this:

How long have you been having this problem? I dunno, since I was younger

Have you ever stopped? Not really

Why do you do it? I dunno

Where did you first see pornography? I dunno

I had a million questions and received very few answers.

The next few days was more of the same. Except I started to be blamed.

We don't have sex enough. You never want to have sex. You never initiate sex. You are always too tired. I don't think you find me attractive. 

So what did I do? 

Blamed myself, also.

I made myself do things I did not want to. I thought I could fix him by having sex with him.

And we all know that did not work.

The Cleaning Analogy

August 24, 2014

Something funny happened.

It was an event that happens every so often in our home, and isn't really funny. But, I was thinking about this event and the analogy just came.

My husband rarely ever does housework anymore (one of the many side effects of the addiction). When we first got married he did the dishes, helped out all the time, cleaned the bathroom, and did not even complain. Now that I stay at home and his addiction has taken over, apparently I get to do all of it. And let's be honest, it rarely ever all gets done.

So, today our home teacher had scheduled to come over in the evening. About an hour before, my husband becomes frantic.

He starts cleaning our living room. Any toys that are out of place are quickly hidden. The vacuum is brought out and used on all the visible surface. Fragrance spray is used to mask any dog smell. The pile of video games and kitchen equipment that has been sitting on the entertainment center for weeks due to a dishwasher being installed is taken to the basement.

Our house looks clean and presentable.

But, I know it really is not.

He knows it really is not.

My husbands "recovery" and how he has presented himself past several years is the same. To other people we seem like any other family. He may seem like any other husband and father. We eat dinner together most of the time. We go to church on Sunday. He works a good job, while I am the homemaker. We visit our families often. He takes our dogs on walks. Our daughters tell him they love him.

As far as his recovery: he goes to the weekly church recovery meeting, we have an appointment with our bishop every Sunday, he has this book he is reading that is supposed to help him deal with his addiction, and he says he wants to change.

But, that is just the surface.

The vacuum has cleaned up his visible surface. The fragrance spray has covered any deeper "smell" of problems, addiction cycle, and relapses. The piles of things that need to be worked on are shoved in the closet so others don't notice. Things are hidden.

Nobody notices. Including me for the longest time.

I notice that under the surface is not getting better. And those things are being brought to the surface which is making everyone uncomfortable because things are no longer "clean".

It is time to deep clean and never go back.