What Addiction Looked Like in My Home

I have realized two things (that I'm going to talk about today) over the past several months.

1. While many of the women I have met have different stories related to their spouses being addicted to pornography, the behaviors in the home tend to be similar.

2. Those that do not have experience with pornography addiction tend to want to just make the person stop looking at pornography and do not realize how many other things have been effected. And sometimes people outside of the marriage do not get to see all of the characteristics, so they ignore the ones presented to them.

One of my most favorite articles I have read is this one.

It speaks to me.

The way he describes what a wife first notices in her home is exactly what I experienced. Those are the things others may notice too, but they do not tend to then assume pornography addiction. These characteristics individually do not indicate very much, but having several of them on a consistent basis is when it gets disturbing. And there are certainly other reasons why a person may be that way, but these characteristics are very common in the experiences I have heard from other wives.

Like the article states: the behaviors are predictable.

How did those characteristics look in my home?

1. More self-centered: Everything is about him. He loved to talk about himself--where he went to school, how well his teachers/bosses like him, the projects he had accomplished, what new thing he learned, sports teams he liked, etc. But, the second you talked about something else those eyes just glazed over.
2. Irritable: He would become irritable about little things. The house was too messy, the girls had too many toys, the girls were being too loud, the dog wanted him to pet him, the internet wasn't working, I was on the computer and he desperately needed it, etc.
3. Moody
4. Impatient
5. Less focused time with the family: This began with more and more time on the computer (red flag, anyone?!). It progressed into me taking our girls on outings like a balloon festival on a Friday night while he stayed home, spending the day or weekend with family while he stayed home, him not attending soccer games, and going to church activities while he spent the day doing something else.
6. Seeks out more distractions: My husband sought out more and more time watching sports, listening to music on his Ipod, and spending hours looking at youtube videos on a number of topics.
7. Mentally and even verbally devalues marriage
8. Becomes critical: My husband's main subject of criticism was me--what I was wearing, something I said, an opinion I had, or something I had done. He also criticized others on various topics--education, money, parenting, their opinions, or things they had done. We all do our own share of judging and I am not saying I am perfect and never criticize or judge, but he sees himself as superior and speaks of others with that attitude.
9. Spiritually empty: My husband has had zero testimony for 4+ years (he was the one that brought this topic up 2 1/2 years ago). He still blessed our girls, went to the temple, attended church half of the time, and acted like he believed. He stopped praying, reading scriptures, serving in his callings, and having any interest in discussing doctrine.  There was/is no Priesthood leadership in our home.
10. More stressed: He would get incredibly stressed with schoolwork, and now with projects at work. He gets so stressed that he cannot sleep and gets sick.
11. Dissatisfied with work
12. Bored with things that used to interest him: When I met my husband he had all sorts of hobbies and interesting things he liked to do. He pretty much stopped participating in them, but would watch videos on the computer.
13. Restless: Even though my husband can spend hours on a computer, he would still get bored and restless while spending time with family or basically anywhere he could not be on his computer.
14. Resentful: If something was a problem or something had happened in this past there was a resentment attached to it. This went right along with the blaming.
15. Blaming: I am blamed for everything. His pornography problem=my fault. His lack of parental involvement=my fault. His stress=my fault. It was never ending. I felt like I was walking on egg shells often because if I tried to discuss anything I was blamed.
16. Manipulative: His #1 tactic in any situation. He is a pro at manipulation and I am still trying to figure it out. He has a way with words and twisting every little thing.
17. Emotionally disconnected: I am not sure I have ever felt a true emotional connection to him. But, the disconnection was more apparent to me in the relationships he had with friends and his family. The connection gradually grew more distant with many dissolving completely.
18. Isolated himself and family from friends and family: As I have reflected this began even when we were engaged. I was pulled away from friends with excuses of avoiding interaction and then to criticism of them. The isolation from family was intensified when we moved closer to my family. It began with complaints of the driving and the amount of time spent with them. And gradually became him not going at all and I would take the girls with me.

I do not say these things to bash him or share all his dirty little secrets. I do this because when I came looking for help, as a spouse, I needed to know these characteristics. I have reflected over and over, discovering something I had forgotten before, remembering a moment I had hidden from my memory, and finding that there were signs. I had always felt like things were off. Something was wrong, but I could not quite put my finger on it until I discovered the addiction. Then it all fell into place. I wanted a list like this one of what exactly the addict was doing besides the pornography.

Reflection is helping me heal. I am addressing the characteristics that have damaged me. I am taking those moments and growing from them.