Emotional Rollercoaster

When I told my Aunt that I was separated, at the beginning of October, she advised me that the emotions would be a rollercoaster. She was speaking from experience.

And a rollercoaster is the perfect description.

I can have a build up of sadness, anger, or joy as slowly as a rollercoaster going up that first big hill.

I can go from feeling happy to sad as quickly as the rollercoaster goes down that hill.

My feelings can get all twisted and turned like those loops in a rollercoaster (and also threatening to make me throw up).

This rollercoaster is never ending right now.

There is no whoosh of wind as the rollercoaster comes to a screeching halt.



Over the summer and fall I took those emotions and was able to start processing them, write about them, and talk about them. Part of the separation was that I was continually being hurt, so the trauma kept coming, and I needed to be apart from him to focus on ME. Recently though, all I have been able to do is complain about the emotions.

Last week my therapist recommended I really focus on journaling those emotions.

Instead of hiding from the feelings or trying to push them away I know I need to feel them and let them be there. Having the emotions are good. They are helping me heal and process.



Lately I have felt a lot of anger and resentment. Others might tell me that forgiveness is for me and will allow that anger and resentment to go away. They might tell me that having those feelings is not helping in any way.

I think otherwise. For right now.

I told my therapist I have been feeling this way and she said, "Well, what do you want to do with that?" I said, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

And what she said after was so relieving for me, "Okay."

We then talked about what has been good about having those feelings. I know, weird, right?

Anger & resentment = a "positive thing"?

Divorce is not fun. (Have I said that enough, yet?) In order to not falter or have doubts, I have to be strong. I have to focus on protecting my daughters and myself. I have to focus on the best possible future for our family.

Anger and resentment is enabling me to not let those doubts of "what if" creep in.

What if he is in recovery now? What if he can actually love? What if this is too hard? What if it would have been easier to just stay? What if this is too messy?

Those what ifs cannot get to me right now because I know this is right. And that anger towards this situation, and him, is helping me focus on that fact. It is also is helping me keep that realization that I am dealing with an addict. A narcissist. He does not care about anyone except himself. He will manipulate whomever he needs to in order to get what he wants, whatever will make him feel good about himself and what he thinks looks good to others.

The anger and resentment allows me to protect myself from manipulation, blame, and all the other addict behaviors.

I see right through him and he knows it.

I know that the anger and resentment will end. I know I will let go of it. In time. I know that it will not be something I carry with me forever. But, for now, it is sustaining me.

What Addiction Looked Like in My Home

I have realized two things (that I'm going to talk about today) over the past several months.

1. While many of the women I have met have different stories related to their spouses being addicted to pornography, the behaviors in the home tend to be similar.

2. Those that do not have experience with pornography addiction tend to want to just make the person stop looking at pornography and do not realize how many other things have been effected. And sometimes people outside of the marriage do not get to see all of the characteristics, so they ignore the ones presented to them.

One of my most favorite articles I have read is this one.

It speaks to me.

The way he describes what a wife first notices in her home is exactly what I experienced. Those are the things others may notice too, but they do not tend to then assume pornography addiction. These characteristics individually do not indicate very much, but having several of them on a consistent basis is when it gets disturbing. And there are certainly other reasons why a person may be that way, but these characteristics are very common in the experiences I have heard from other wives.

Like the article states: the behaviors are predictable.

How did those characteristics look in my home?

1. More self-centered: Everything is about him. He loved to talk about himself--where he went to school, how well his teachers/bosses like him, the projects he had accomplished, what new thing he learned, sports teams he liked, etc. But, the second you talked about something else those eyes just glazed over.
2. Irritable: He would become irritable about little things. The house was too messy, the girls had too many toys, the girls were being too loud, the dog wanted him to pet him, the internet wasn't working, I was on the computer and he desperately needed it, etc.
3. Moody
4. Impatient
5. Less focused time with the family: This began with more and more time on the computer (red flag, anyone?!). It progressed into me taking our girls on outings like a balloon festival on a Friday night while he stayed home, spending the day or weekend with family while he stayed home, him not attending soccer games, and going to church activities while he spent the day doing something else.
6. Seeks out more distractions: My husband sought out more and more time watching sports, listening to music on his Ipod, and spending hours looking at youtube videos on a number of topics.
7. Mentally and even verbally devalues marriage
8. Becomes critical: My husband's main subject of criticism was me--what I was wearing, something I said, an opinion I had, or something I had done. He also criticized others on various topics--education, money, parenting, their opinions, or things they had done. We all do our own share of judging and I am not saying I am perfect and never criticize or judge, but he sees himself as superior and speaks of others with that attitude.
9. Spiritually empty: My husband has had zero testimony for 4+ years (he was the one that brought this topic up 2 1/2 years ago). He still blessed our girls, went to the temple, attended church half of the time, and acted like he believed. He stopped praying, reading scriptures, serving in his callings, and having any interest in discussing doctrine.  There was/is no Priesthood leadership in our home.
10. More stressed: He would get incredibly stressed with schoolwork, and now with projects at work. He gets so stressed that he cannot sleep and gets sick.
11. Dissatisfied with work
12. Bored with things that used to interest him: When I met my husband he had all sorts of hobbies and interesting things he liked to do. He pretty much stopped participating in them, but would watch videos on the computer.
13. Restless: Even though my husband can spend hours on a computer, he would still get bored and restless while spending time with family or basically anywhere he could not be on his computer.
14. Resentful: If something was a problem or something had happened in this past there was a resentment attached to it. This went right along with the blaming.
15. Blaming: I am blamed for everything. His pornography problem=my fault. His lack of parental involvement=my fault. His stress=my fault. It was never ending. I felt like I was walking on egg shells often because if I tried to discuss anything I was blamed.
16. Manipulative: His #1 tactic in any situation. He is a pro at manipulation and I am still trying to figure it out. He has a way with words and twisting every little thing.
17. Emotionally disconnected: I am not sure I have ever felt a true emotional connection to him. But, the disconnection was more apparent to me in the relationships he had with friends and his family. The connection gradually grew more distant with many dissolving completely.
18. Isolated himself and family from friends and family: As I have reflected this began even when we were engaged. I was pulled away from friends with excuses of avoiding interaction and then to criticism of them. The isolation from family was intensified when we moved closer to my family. It began with complaints of the driving and the amount of time spent with them. And gradually became him not going at all and I would take the girls with me.

I do not say these things to bash him or share all his dirty little secrets. I do this because when I came looking for help, as a spouse, I needed to know these characteristics. I have reflected over and over, discovering something I had forgotten before, remembering a moment I had hidden from my memory, and finding that there were signs. I had always felt like things were off. Something was wrong, but I could not quite put my finger on it until I discovered the addiction. Then it all fell into place. I wanted a list like this one of what exactly the addict was doing besides the pornography.

Reflection is helping me heal. I am addressing the characteristics that have damaged me. I am taking those moments and growing from them.

Life Forever Changed

In the past two months my life has forever been changed.

On October 6, 2014 I asked for a separation. I asked my husband to leave our home.

He refused. I spent the night in a hotel with my mom and my daughters.

I was angry. Frustrated. Heart broken. But, trying to keep it together for my two, innocent little girls.

A quick rundown of what has happened since then:

My in-laws flew in on the red eye as soon as they found out. My husband told family and friends that he was blindsided and that we had grown apart. That left most people very confused.

I spent the week explaining to people that had no idea this was coming. For them, the situation was fresh. For me, it felt like I was telling a story that had been going for years and the wounds were only getting deeper. It was exhausting.

My husband and I laid out a general parenting plan so that he could see our girls on a regular basis.

He moved into an extended stay hotel. In the smoking section.

We discussed the girls staying the night with him. And decided it was best to let them get used to the change and the routine, then readdress them staying the night with him.

A couple weeks went by until the night of what I now call "the incident".

My husband crossed a line. A line that I, personally, could not go back after it had been crossed.

The Monday after I got a protection order and filed for divorce.

And it has not been easy.

It has been ugly. Emotionally draining. Frustrating beyond belief.

Divorce is not fun.

I have a long road ahead before the divorce is finalized. I anticipate lots of push back.

But, the one thing that has not waivered throughout the past month is that divorce is right.

In my situation, divorce is the right thing to do. I can now work on healing. Focus on raising my daughters to have healthy relationships, be strong, navigate this broken world, and love themselves. I can continue to show them that I love them and am always striving to improve in my mothering abilities. They are my number one priority.

I want them to know that they can do hard things.

One day at a time.

D-Day 2

Read the rest of My Story here.

About three months ago I knew I was ready for change. I had another life changing experience, where I found myself feeling similar to how I did the summer before my Senior year in high school when I considered my future (read that story here). Although, this time it was built up over time and not a one moment event.

I had spent the past year slowly letting myself be brought down by the trauma I so desperately needed to recover and heal from. And I knew that was not what Heavenly Father would want for me and I knew I could do better.

I wanted to be in a home that cherished family time, read scriptures together, prayed as a family, served others, spent less time watching TV (& computers), and wanted to be better individually and as a whole.

I wanted a marriage where we read scriptures together, prayed together, and enjoyed teaching our children about the Gospel. I wanted to have conversations about the Gospel, our day, parenting, finances, our future, our struggles, and our dreams.

I deserved that.

Every woman and man deserves that.

I slowly started changing myself. Because, really, how can you expect others to do something when you are not already doing them?

I repented. I picked up my scriptures more often. I journaled. I knelt in prayer. I listened to more Primary songs so I could teach my girls new ones. I listened to General Conference again. I turned off the TV. I spent more quality time with my girls--painting, coloring, building with legos, going on walks, and being silly.

While doing this I also confronted my husband. I asked him point blank whether his addiction was still an issue. I got the answer I expected.

Yes.

We went through a similar scenario as D-Day 1 where I asked many questions, but did not get very in-depth answers. But, I told him things had to change.

He said he wanted to change, but did not know how.

And I knew from the last time that I could not fix him. I could not tell him what to do or how to change. He had to choose for himself to seek out those answers. And when he did and then acted on those answers, then I would know he was ready for recovery.

This time was not as traumatic in terms of how I found out. I already knew so it was not as shocking. But, it still left me feeling very hopeless of what the future of our marriage would be.

During that d-day conversation my husband said he would start reading his book he got from that one time at the therapist. The one about stress, not about addiction.

Two weeks later he was not reading that book consistently and was not interested in talking to our bishop or anyone about it.

I went to the bishop on my own and received very wise counsel. I had been reading about how to heal myself. That this addiction has nothing to do with me. That I only had control over myself. And that my husband had to choose for himself to overcome and change.

My bishop was compassionate, sympathetic, and wanted to help me. He did not focus on how to fix my husband or what he would need to do, but rather, wanted to know what made me happy.

Many things have happened since that first meeting with my bishop. We got a new bishop that my husband and I both started meeting with individually and then together. My husband started going to recovery support meetings, says he is abstinent, and committed to reading his book daily. Sounds great, right?

The behaviors, the side effects, have not changed. The willingness to seek out what else can be done is not there. The isolation and unkindness is still there. He is still emotionally distant and true remorse has yet to be shown.

The commitment he made to read his book daily, is more like twice a week. The computer use is still many hours a day. He still stays up late. He never talks about his pornography addiction or recovery and if I bring it up the conversation is usually emotionless and closed off.

I am not seeing recovery in him.

But, I am starting my journey of recovery and healing.

I have made goals for myself. I try to go to the temple twice a month. I started reading books for enjoyment. I talk with a supportive friend and her husband daily about the struggles, the mundane, and the good. I strive to make healthier choices physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I sought out a therapist, which has made a world of difference. I can talk about my feelings, what is going on, and what needs to be done without judgment. I have gained insight that has been valuable to my healing.

I developed boundaries. I needed boundaries.

I gave my husband a copy of my boundaries along with a very vulnerable letter. This letter explained how the addiction has affected me and the feelings that have come from the trauma. 

All of this leads to the present.

My husband has chosen over and over again to not be in recovery. He has been given many opportunities to choose to save his marriage and family. To save himself from this addiction. He has been given tools to do so, but is still choosing to not make it a priority.

I know this can change tomorrow, next week, next month, or it could be years from now or, even, possibly never. 

But, for me to be emotionally safe and continue my healing I have to hold to my boundaries and do what is best for my happiness and the happiness of my daughters. If this means separation because he is choosing not to understand how the addiction has affected me or be actively in recovery then that is what will need to happen so I can be emotionally safe. 

I am not going to keep the lies going. I am not going to enable him. I am not going to go back to denial. I am done with all of that.

I am going to be happy. 

My Story: After D-Day 1

Quick note: You can read the rest of My Story here. And make sure to at least read, D-Day 1.

The first couple weeks after D-Day 1 went seemingly well. Or so I thought.

We were being intimate. We were talking. And we were doing our normal day to day routine.

I pretty much stopped reading about pornography addiction and ignored the things I had read about what we should both be doing to get us out of this mess.

Skip ahead two months and things had gone back to what they were before.

This time I knew why. 

I was depressed. I felt isolated and like this problem was weighing me down. It was holding me back. 

I had no one to talk to about it. No one.

I still didn't do anything about it for several more weeks.

Then an answer to a prayer I'm not even sure I had specifically asked for came to me in the shape of a friend. 

This friend and I went on walks almost daily in a cemetery (joke all you want--it was peaceful, beautiful, and still my favorite place to go on a walk). We talked about all sorts of things. Our children, school, food, memories, babies, clothes, the future, our homes, people, our families, our trials, our happiness. But, I had never talked about the biggest struggle in my life. 

My husband is a pornography addict.

My friend brought up the topic actually. And I knew in that moment that I needed to tell her. I so desperately wanted to tell her.

I told her. I cried. And she walked with me for a long time as I talked about it all. 

We continued to talk about it. She has been there with me through many times of happiness and sadness. But, this time specifically I knew that Heavenly Father was utilizing her as a means to help me. To comfort me. To bless me. To show me I didn't have to do this alone.

I will never forget that first conversation and the weight I felt lift from me as I let everything out. She continues to be there for me through all of the chaos, sadness, frustration, and heartache. And for that I will be forever grateful.

At the end of August, with that same friend's encouragement, I decided to go to the bishop. At this point, my husband had not spoken a word of confessing to the bishop. Up until I made the decision, I thought I couldn't go until he had told the bishop about the addiction. I was so wrong.

I was dealing with this too. I needed help and support. I wasn't going to tattle on my husband. I was going so I could start healing.

An hour before going to the bishop, I told my husband what I was doing. He said he wanted to go with me.

The next month is sort of a blur. But the short story: My husband spoke with the bishop alone saying he had told him everything, the problem was minimized, and my husband was told he could go to the church recovery meetings if he wanted to. I started seeing a therapist, but only went a handful of times. I started going to recovery support group. My husband went to two recovery meetings and met with a therapist once. The therapist gave him a book about dealing with stress. 

A couple months after the initial meeting with the bishop I thought things were going well. 

My husband kept saying he was doing fine. 

Then things gradually started going back they were before. The meetings stopped. The conversations on the topic of pornography addiction stopped. My desire to keep attending support meetings was looked down upon by my husband.

He said he was fine, so why did I need to go? 

I believed him. And I stopped going. I stopped reading about it. I stopped talking to my friend about it saying everything was good. I kept myself in isolation.

I went into the stage of grief known as denial.

And stayed there for almost a year and a half while life flew by me.

My husband graduated. He got a job. We moved 1000 miles away. Our girls had two more birthdays. I filled my life with being a mom.

But, our marriage still wasn't what I dreamed it would be. And I knew why, but wasn't ready to confront that reason until this past June. 

My Story: D-Day 1

Read more of My Story: here, here, and here.

In May of 2012, my girls were turning ONE. I planned for many weeks and was so excited to have family and friends celebrate with us. 

Their first year was tough. We dealt with the NICU for two months, a colic baby, a reflux baby, low milk supply, slow weight gain, avoiding public places, and a lot of other bumps in the road. 

Having a baby (or babies) takes a toll on your marriage. 

I put 150% into being the best mom for my daughters and to making sure they were developing without any concerns. I was stressed. I was exhausted. 

During that time I noticed how our marriage had changed. I thought some things were unusual and promptly ignored them. 

My husband spent a lot of time on the computer. He always stayed up late. He was emotionally gone. He didn't want to be around my friends. He was irritable. He was rude. He didn't seem to want anything to do with church. He stopped giving me compliments or doing nice gestures. He got bored easily.  

Three days before the big first birthday, one day before my family came to visit, I had one of the worst moments of my life. 

I went to bed as usual. My husband stayed up watching YouTube videos and reading ESPN articles. I had spent that day baking cakes for the birthday party. 

I woke up about an hour after falling asleep with the thought I don't think I turned the oven off.

I got up (without glasses on), walked to where we had a baby gate in the hallway and asked my husband "Will you check to make sure the oven is off?"

He was sitting on the couch with his computer in front of him. He awkwardly said yeah. I walked back to my room. I thought to myself that something was off. Something was weird about that situation. But, I went back to sleep.

The next morning I woke up thinking about that moment.

I knew I had caught my husband doing something I found so disgusting, revolting, and humiliating. I started looking online for more information. I wasn't sure what to do: ask him about it or not?

I started having doubts and questions: did I really see something? Did I make it up? Was I looking too much into it? What will happen if I ask him about it? What will happen if he says yes? No? Gets mad because I would even think that? How do ask? 

But, as I read more about the signs and watched videos from recovering addicts and spouses I knew. I cried the entire afternoon. 

I sent a text (trying to keep it serious, but light-hearted): Were you doing something frisky last night when I woke up?

He said: What? No? What do you mean?

I responded: I thought I saw you doing something you shouldn't. Maybe it was nothing. Sorry.

He then said: No, I wasn't doing anything.

I was confused. I was so sure.

He got home from work a couple hours later. I was doing the dishes.

He came into the kitchen and I apologized for the text saying I must have just been seeing things.

When I finally looked at him, his face looked strange and he said: No, you were right. I was doing something I wasn't supposed to. I'm sorry.

I had caught him.

Even though I had caught him and knew, him admitting it still shocked me. I was angry. And when I'm angry I tend to want to be alone and not talk about it.

From my reading that day I knew a little of what was going on. But, not enough to be strong. 

After our girls went to bed we stayed up most of the night talking. Our conversation basically went like this:

How long have you been having this problem? I dunno, since I was younger

Have you ever stopped? Not really

Why do you do it? I dunno

Where did you first see pornography? I dunno

I had a million questions and received very few answers.

The next few days was more of the same. Except I started to be blamed.

We don't have sex enough. You never want to have sex. You never initiate sex. You are always too tired. I don't think you find me attractive. 

So what did I do? 

Blamed myself, also.

I made myself do things I did not want to. I thought I could fix him by having sex with him.

And we all know that did not work.

The Cleaning Analogy

August 24, 2014

Something funny happened.

It was an event that happens every so often in our home, and isn't really funny. But, I was thinking about this event and the analogy just came.

My husband rarely ever does housework anymore (one of the many side effects of the addiction). When we first got married he did the dishes, helped out all the time, cleaned the bathroom, and did not even complain. Now that I stay at home and his addiction has taken over, apparently I get to do all of it. And let's be honest, it rarely ever all gets done.

So, today our home teacher had scheduled to come over in the evening. About an hour before, my husband becomes frantic.

He starts cleaning our living room. Any toys that are out of place are quickly hidden. The vacuum is brought out and used on all the visible surface. Fragrance spray is used to mask any dog smell. The pile of video games and kitchen equipment that has been sitting on the entertainment center for weeks due to a dishwasher being installed is taken to the basement.

Our house looks clean and presentable.

But, I know it really is not.

He knows it really is not.

My husbands "recovery" and how he has presented himself past several years is the same. To other people we seem like any other family. He may seem like any other husband and father. We eat dinner together most of the time. We go to church on Sunday. He works a good job, while I am the homemaker. We visit our families often. He takes our dogs on walks. Our daughters tell him they love him.

As far as his recovery: he goes to the weekly church recovery meeting, we have an appointment with our bishop every Sunday, he has this book he is reading that is supposed to help him deal with his addiction, and he says he wants to change.

But, that is just the surface.

The vacuum has cleaned up his visible surface. The fragrance spray has covered any deeper "smell" of problems, addiction cycle, and relapses. The piles of things that need to be worked on are shoved in the closet so others don't notice. Things are hidden.

Nobody notices. Including me for the longest time.

I notice that under the surface is not getting better. And those things are being brought to the surface which is making everyone uncomfortable because things are no longer "clean".

It is time to deep clean and never go back.

Healing: What have I done to be happy?

The past two months have been a whirlwind of confusion, hurt, trauma, pain, anger, sadness, stress and trying to keep it together. All of these emotions happening while I also have to be a mother and do our daily routine.

I have really been focusing on healing me. I only have power to control me.

When I went in to talk to my Bishop (spiritual leader at my church), the first time, he really wanted to focus on healing me.

He asked: What makes you happy?

In that office I came up with two things. 1.) Spending time with my girls 2.) Going to the Temple

When I got home I decided to start a healing journal.

This journal includes questions, scriptures, feelings, list of resources, goals, and quotes among other things.

I have one page (so far) devoted to a list of what makes me happy.

I add to it when I think or do something that makes me happy.

Exercising, driving around with the windows down, reorganizing, reading, photography, music, and exploring new places have all been added.

I know I have a long ways to go as far as healing, but I have surrounded myself with ways to help.

1. I contacted the Togetherness Project and joined the Hope and Healing forum. I have the support of other wives that have been through this and/or are going through this. I can ask questions, express frustrations or accomplishments, and find new information without being judged or letting the whole world know I'm going through this.

2. I have found many blogs that are written by amazing, inspired women.

3. I reach out to a friend daily. Her and her husband are always there to listen to me vent, give sound advice, and encourage me to make the best decisions for my happiness.

4. I go to the temple every other week. I made it a goal at the beginning and it has brought so much peace. I know that I will get to spend at least two hours learning more about the Gospel and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior, all while letting go of the stresses for a small moment.

5. Started to put my house in order. I can be an extremely organized person, but my house and mind have not been that for a few years now. I have felt prompted to get my house in order. This means reorganizing closets, getting rid of things we don't need, making more meaningful routines, and clearing out the clutter in all areas (finances, paperwork, files, storage, etc.).

6. Education. I have been reading books, articles, and blogs from well known sex-addiction therapists. This has empowered me in my healing and knowledge of this addiction. It has helped me understand what I am going through, as well as my husband. My understanding of what do next has grown and has enabled me to go forward without regrets to make the best decisions possible.


What else do I plan to do?
-Seek out professional help
-Yoga
-Create boundaries
-Support group
-Help others
-Self-care

My Story: Married

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. To show that there were times of happiness.

Read Before Married Part 1 here and Part 2 here,

I met my husband in February.

Five weeks later we were engaged.

Yes, we were those Mormons.

Six months later we were married.

My parents still think it was too fast. I still do not regret it.

Back then I would have told you everything was perfect. Everything was pointed to married bliss.

How ignorant I was to married life. To what my future held.

Our wedding went just as I planned. We had a great time and enjoyed time with family and friends.

We planned a low key honeymoon with yummy places to eat, beautiful hotel rooms with great views, and a couple fun places to visit.

But, one sentence of that honeymoon now haunts me. It was dismissed at the time, but I still never forgot it.

Those words from my husband were just the beginning of how pornography addiction tainted his view of real intimacy. His ability to have a healthy sexual relationship, and healthy marriage, was impaired by his addiction to lust and fantasy.

This red flag among others are things I didn't think twice about then. Now, with my new vision and knowledge I can see.

I do not need to go into more detail about how the addiction affected our intimate life right now, except to say it was/is dysfunctional. It is unhealthy.

Pornography addiction affects marriages, relationships, and families in many other ways.

The first several years of our marriage were great, despite the secret problem. I did not realize anything was going on and my husband kept his big secret well hidden. There are still many happy memories.

I graduated from college.

We moved three times across state lines in the first two years.

My husband went to school. We both worked.

We traveled out of the country and to Disneyland. We went on road trips and camping adventures.

We laughed. We spent time with family. He sent me flowers randomly at work. I brought him dinner on his break when he worked swing shift.

We were happy.

Everything seemed "normal".

After our one year anniversary we started trying to grow our family. I have a medical condition that causes infertility issues. Our second anniversary passed without any signs of pregnancy even being a possibility. We started consulting with fertility doctors. Spent a lot of money. And got pregnant with twins.

Seven months later, I delivered two beautiful little girls. They spent two months in the hospital.

I thought that was the hardest trial I would have to go through. I thought that now that I was a wife and mother that life would be perfect. By this point, I was not under the "spell" that life was easy or that I would not have trials. But I really, truly believed that the two and a half years spent trying to get our two little spirits to this world safely and healthy would be the most difficult.


I was so wrong.

Healing: Why do I need to heal?

Discovering a spouse's pornography addiction turns your world upside down.

The betrayal, lies, and secrecy all create trauma.

Betrayal Trauma.

This manifests in similar ways to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Two years ago, our first time fighting this fight, I knew I needed help, needed support, needed explanations. I received some, but went into that stage of grief known as denial.

I continued in that stage for TWO years, trying to push it all down, ignoring (or thinking I was) the big elephant in the marriage, and thinking my life would never be what I had anticipated, wanted, needed, and dreamed.

About two months ago I was done with denial. I could not handle not dealing with it. The addiction was destroying me, and I would not let it win.

Now, there are many ways that betrayal trauma can manifest.

I relive the moment I caught my husband and the few days after.

I have disturbing dreams/nightmares sometimes.

I can see an image or some other "trigger" and it puts me back into the first few days.

My emotions range drastically day to day, sometimes even hour to hour.

I am more tired.

I am anxious a lot.

My heart races sometimes when I am just in the same room as my husband or even thinking about the whole ordeal (and not in the loving-heart-racing way).

I have fear for what my future holds and what will happen.

I am grieving the loss of what I thought my marriage would be.


All of this puts a lot of stress on your body. If it continues long term, it can have lasting effects.

I need to heal so I can make the best decisions for me.

I need to heal so I can forgive more fully and be forgiven.

I need to heal so I can be the best mother for my daughters.

I need to heal so I can accept this trial in my life and move forward.

I need to heal because I have the power to control what I do.



I found that the best explanation of Betrayal Traume is at AddoRecovery, which also has a great six week free online program. I'm on week two, but have heard great things about it and am loving it so far. 

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 2)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect

Read Part 1 here.

BYU was everything I imagined. I loved the dorms. I loved my roommate and the other girls in my hall (my best friends to this day). I loved the mountains, walking around campus, being on my own, and feeling like an "adult" for the first time.

I spent the first year learning more about the Gospel. Growing my testimony. Making mistakes. Repenting. Reading the Book of Mormon. Studying. Eating tomato soup made in the microwave. Having late night dance parties. 

Some of the best memories from college are from that freshmen year.

The next two years were much of the same.

I had boyfriends. Even serious, in-"love" ones. But, those all ended at some time or another.

I kept the same roommates. A couple of them got married. And I made some other really great friends. 

In the last place I lived before getting married I remember, very vividly, attending a Sunday School class on Sunday. The teacher asked us to write down all the characteristics we desired in a future husband/wife.

I know, I know. How Young Women's of a lesson.

I kept that piece of paper as a reminder. Top of the list: Worthy Priesthood holder. Others included: returned missionary, loving, loves his family, love the Gospel, strong testimony, good with kids, fulfills callings, etc. 

That is what I was looking for. That is what I expected. That is what I deserved. 

Forever. 

My Story: Before Marriage (Part 1)

Quick note: I share this to give background to my story and to show that I am not perfect. 

I led a seemingly "normal" childhood.

I did well in school. I participated in various sports. I had my first "boyfriend" in fourth grade. I had my first "kiss" in sixth grade (the boy was like a foot shorter than me...). I got a job at a grocery store when I was 14. I spent the summers carefree with friends. I got a car when I was 16. I was a "normal" teenager.

My friends and I hung out with older boys my Sophomore and Junior year of high school. We went to parties. We did things we should not have, and got in trouble for it sometimes.

The summer before my Senior of high school was a life changer. I had spent my summer nights out much too late with friends and with boys that expected too much. Towards the end of summer, one of the boys in our "group" left where we were in his car, angry and drunk.

A half hour later he had managed to lose control near his home and have a wooden fence pole go through his windshield, nearly missing his face and killing him.

Several hours later he met up with a previous girlfriend, whom he had lived with, and ended up in jail for domestic violence.

That event made me wonder where my life was going.

It made me ponder what I wanted for my future.

My 17 year old mind KNEW I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to serve others. I wanted to be a good influence.

I changed that day.

I did not know where I was headed or how I would change. I just knew that there was something more.

About two months later I met a boy. A few months later I met his family. They were kind, generous, loving, faithful, and joyful. They were everything I wanted for my future family.

They were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I spent many days and evenings at their house that year learning about the Gospel through Family Home Evening, dinners with the missionaries, church activities, family scripture study, and family prayer. They were member missionaries.

All I knew was that I wanted to spend as much time at their home as possible. I wanted to know more.

After deciding to go to an in state university, I quickly changed my mind after applying and getting into Brigham Young University in Utah with the encouragement of this family. I was thrilled at the idea of going out of state, on my own, and becoming who I wanted to be.

A fresh start.

That summer I received my first Book of Mormon. Secretly slid onto the driver's seat of my car, wrapped in paper, with a sweet note inside from a 12 year old girl.

I started going to church. I realized that this family I had spent so much time with weren't the only ones. Everyone I met had a smile, kind words, served each other, and loved the Gospel.

One evening I was invited to attend a missionary fireside in the Mission President's home. The speaker shared about conversion. I remember saying a silent prayer that if what he was saying was true that I would feel it. I would know.

I felt it. I felt the warmth of the Spirit revealing to me that it was true.

I knew in that moment that I would be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

At the beginning of July I received a text asking if I would want to meet with the missionaries for the discussions.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

Lesson two I was invited to be baptized.

Without hesitation, I said, "yes".

On August 20th I was baptized and confirmed. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Two days later I left to start my freshmen year at Brigham Young University.

My fresh start. The beginning of my life in the Gospel.

Who I am

I am the woman that is a daughter, sister, wife, and mother.

I am the woman you walk by at the grocery store in her workout clothes, unshowered hair, no makeup, and using her "stern" voice to keep her daughters next to the cart.

I am the woman who teaches your children in Primary at Church.

I am the woman that is your neighbor you see up at 6 am taking her dog for a walk.

I am the woman you see in the drive-thru at McDonalds because she needed her caffeine fix.

I am the woman at the park going down the slides with her girls.

I am the woman that loves chocolate, baseball, crime shows, reading, baking, road trips, new clothes, and running.



I am the woman married to a pornography addict.



I am the woman that carries a burden she does not deserve, and tends to hide it from others.

I am the woman trying to be the spiritual leader in her home.

I am the woman trying to deal with the unexpected.

I am the woman trying to see where all her hope and dreams disappeared.

I am the woman wondering: why me?

I am the woman that can't stand to look at her husband sometimes.

I am the woman with a marriage in limbo.



I am the woman that will survive all of this.

Yes. yes. and yes.

A week ago I found an amazing blog, My name is Jacy. 

She has turned her trial, her difficulties, her unexpected into a way to serve others in the midst of similar trials. 

She started a non-profit organization, The Togetherness Project, that provides support and encouragement to women. 

They are having a conference coming up (Oh how I wish I could go), and they released their promo. It is inspirational, beautiful, and rings true to me. 

sweet voices

As I did the dishes this morning, contemplating the sadness in my life a sweet voice started singing.

"The temple is a holy place" was set on repeat for a minute.
"Lead me, guide me, walk beside me" followed by "the temple is a holy place" once more.

A beautiful and perfect reminder that despite the trials in our little family I am teaching my daughters the Gospel. I am teaching them to love Heavenly Father, be grateful for our Savior's sacrifice, and to seek out the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I am teaching them to strive to make covenants with their Father in the temple. THIS is what makes my trials easier. THIS is what makes me days a lot brighter.

Rain

“We can choose to be grateful, no matter what. This type of gratitude transcends whatever is happening around us. It surpasses disappointment, discouragement, and despair. It blooms just as beautifully in the icy landscape of winter as it does in the pleasant warmth of summer. When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. . . . In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace. . . . How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain? Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges. This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul.” -President Uchtdorf